Making Amends

I have recently realized that I do have some things to apologize for. I may not have hurt you myself but through inaction towards the actions of my deceased wife. Mary had many problems and they were not all physical some were mental.  She had a long struggle with addiction which after two interventions and stays in rehab continued to plague her till the day she died.

It all started after she had gastric bypass surgery.  In the beginning it was just pain pills but it quickly turned to pills and alcohol. I didn’t know how to handle this and her family was no help. The ones that didn’t like her behavior either turned a blind eye or disowned her entirely. The others would yell a little but continued the same behavior, almost encouraging what would eventually kill her.

I began this viscous cycle of cover up. Hiding that side of her from the world and even indulging a little here and there until I had an almost two week blackout and ended up in jail. This was a wake up call for me but I didn’t stop covering for her. ‘She’s not feeling well today’ or ‘She had a rough night’ were common responses I used. She was in poor health so it fit.

During the last few years she was steeling from stores and friends borrowing money with no intention of ever paying it back. For a while the we ended up homeless and living in the back of our truck.  She continued to use every resource to make sure she at last had something to drink or pills to take every night, even though we had no home and were only eating once a day if we were lucky. She would take advantage of anyone.

Those were the worst days of my life but I had taken vows and was not going to break them. We had already tried rehab and counseling but none of it worked for her. So we figured she would quit when she was ready. Thing got a lot worse, but, she was almost always able to hide the truth from the outside world. Even the Home Nurse that came twice a week to check on her didn’t notice anything wrong.

So, last year I came home from seeing the midnight showing of Harry Potter 7 to find her dead on the the floor form a massive overdose of pain killers. I still don’t know for sure where she got the pills, there were none in the house.

After six years of steady decline, ending with her death, my life has only gotten better. Every thing is moving up and I have got the love of my long time high school sweetheart. After years of pain and struggle I can feel the sun on my face again.
I know that I could have been stronger and could have fought harder but after being beat down and treated like a servant for so long you forget how. So to all that were hurt either by action or inaction, I am truly sorry, and ask for your forgiveness with humility.

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